“You look like a gay pig,” our son Graham, age 9 was told, in front of our home.  This happened a few weeks ago, the words spoken by an elementary student he goes to school with.  My wife and I talked with him about how cruel kids can sometimes be, how sad we were he was being bullied, brainstormed what he might say to the student when they saw each other next. After a couple days it seemed like he’d shaken it off.

We figured that was that.

Last weekend, a couple days after school had started, the doorbell rang.  Our daughter looked out, saw the same kid. “Don’t go out there,” she told him. After they’d left our daughter opened the door, looked down, and saw this note.

There the phrase was, again.

You look like a gay pig.

It is cruel.
It is homophobic.
It is a slur meant to harm.

The letter ended with a fake signature of one of Graham’s friends. As best we can tell our son was being targeted, in 4th grade, for having a close male friend.

We tried to soothe him this time as well, tho he was more distraught. Why is this happening to me he wondered? I try to be kind to everyone. I support gay people!

Determined not to let it get to us, my wife put a couple more rainbow flags in our front yard. We talked, lamented the loss of kindness in society, hugged our son tight. What else could we do?

Over the next two days we watched as Graham frequently peered out our front windows, as if looking for something. What are you looking at, buddy, I asked him?  I’m worried they might come back, he replied.

Our son was now having difficulty getting sleep.  My wife and I reached out to his school counselor, sharing our concerns, asking for guidance.

The school counselor and principal were wonderful to work with, listened, gave space for Graham to share his story, ensured us school must be a safe place for all.

Most importantly they had a plan.

Less than an hour after meeting with the school the principal had spoken with the student, and their parent. The next day Graham and the student participated in a restorative circle. It is a process designed to reconcile people, repair broken relationships, restore peace. I can’t tell you how impressed I was to see our public school officials, respond so quickly, so professionally, so well. Because of their efforts Graham is doing much better now. And we are so grateful for that.

People ask me sometimes why our congregation, St. John’s Lutheran Church, Des Moines is looking to become certified as an open and affirming church for LGBTQ+ folk through ReconcilingWorks. There are many reasons; this is one of them. Most churches are either actively hostile to the LGBTQ+ community, or hang ‘all are welcome’ signs without fully embracing all of God’s children. As people of faith we have to be more clear who God is for, who our communities are for, and what that looks like in the flesh.

I am proud of my son, and his bravery.

I am proud of our Des Moines Public Schools, our elementary school, and the gifted principal and counselor who knew just what to do.

But let’s be honest, we got lucky. With a different set of leaders, at a different public school, in a district not as well versed – or interested – in the creating safe spaces for our students, the outcome could have been very different.

Most of all I find myself extremely disappointed in the state of Iowa.  Why? Because our current legislature has passed multiple cruel laws that actively cause harm.

When our children attend public schools here, and can’t learn the basics of human affection, and how to show kindness to others different from you, we can expect more of this. As Iowa public schools ban books with even a hint of gay characters in them, for fear of lawsuits, we lose the opportunity to learn together about our neighbors, about what it is to care for another soul.

Change is possible, and comes through faith communities, school boards, holding elected leaders accountable. It will take rallies, marches, petitions, difficult conversations. The values of kindness, caring, empathy and community are all on the ballot, each and every year. Iowa nice doesn’t have to be a thing of the past. But it does require your vote.